


who we are and who we need to be

by maggspags



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-18 10:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3567023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maggspags/pseuds/maggspags
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love had seemed like a possibility on the Ark. Happiness didn't feel like an empty promise, not like it did on earth. With all the blood on her skin and all the guilt in her heart Clarke wasn't sure she would even be allowed a chance at love again.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Clarke leaves Bellamy standing at the gate. Bellamy tries to lead his people without her and Clarke attempts to put her past behind her. Together apart the learn more about themselves and each other than they knew before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	who we are and who we need to be

When she had left Bellamy standing at the gate to Camp Jaha she was so sure of her choice. Leaving was the right thing to do. Now, as she built her camp for the night she suddenly felt a pang of longing. A wish to be with her people. Sitting around the fire, listening to their stories of their time in the mountain and telling them about her time with Lexa.

  


Bellamy had forgiven her her, but could it really be that easy? Could he really forgive her just like that. She had sent him into the mountain alone, she had risked his life on a plan that could have easily failed. She had allowed all of those people in TonDC to die instead of saving them. She had pulled the lever, she had committed genocide. Was she really deserving of forgiveness?

  


How could anyone forgive that? How could she forgive herself? Hadn’t she lost faith in Finn when he massacred in her name. Hadn’t she failed to forgive him? Why should they give her that? She had taken so much from them already. From Raven she had taken trust and family. From Jasper she had taken love. From Monty and Bellamy she had taken a bit of their souls.

  


_Maybe there are no good guys._ Her mother’s voice echoed in her mind. Maybe it had been the great lie of her childhood. All those hours spent in the library on the ark reading about the heroes of earth. They always saved the day and could look themselves in the face the next day. Clarke envied them.

  


“You are going to need more firewood if you expect that to last you the night.” Clarke spun around, her hand flying to the knife in her belt. “I see a few hours alone has made you jumpy Princess.” Bellamy was standing between two trees, a pack on his back and a grin on his face.

  


Clarke found herself smiling at Bellamy in-spite of herself. “What are you doing here Bellamy?” She took her hand away from her knive and crossed her arms across her chest. “I thought that we agreed I would separate from the group. One of us needs to sta-“

  


Bellamy held up a hand to stop her.

  


“Clarke-“ There was a softness about him now. There had been a point in their past year together when Clarke had seen the soft squishy bit of Bellamy Blake that he hid so well underneath his prickly exterior. But now that is all he seemed to be made of. “I didn’t follow you out here to drag you back – though the thought had crossed my mind.” Clarke frowned.

  


“I also didn’t come to hijack your journey of self-discovery, I understand that you need to do this.” His eyes here bright in the light from the fire. Clarke wanted to remember them like this forever.

  


“So why did you come?” She sounded a lot more defensive then she meant to.

  


Bellamy smiled as he dropped the pack from his shoulder at her feet. “I brought you a few things for your trip.”

  


Clarke wasn’t sure what to say so she just sat down on a spare log and pulled the pack towards her. Inside neatly packed were some spare clothes and a few blankets. What looked like a weeks supply of rations, a pistol with some spare ammunition. A small pad of paper and her pencils and at the bottom was a small radio. She carefully pulled it out.

  


“Bell- I can’t.” She wasn’t sure why she didn’t want the radio, she just didn’t. She felt, looking at it, it defeated the purpose of her leaving. She held the radio out for Bellamy to take it back, he didn’t move.

  


“Look, I know that you need your space. Leave it off for as long as you like. Forever even. Its for when you want to come home, so you can know you’ll always be able to come back. It is connected to my radio only so you don’t have to worry about anyone else hearing you.” He was staring at the ground.

  


She nodded, smiling in-spite of herself and gently placed it back in her bag. “I appreciate it.”

  


“You can come back you know. Anytime you want.” Clarke started to protest. “ I don’t mean right now. I just need you to know that you can only beat yourself up for so long. You can always come home…to us.”

  


She stood up and wrapped him in a hug and buried her head in his neck. He smelled like fire and rain. He smelled like comfort and warmth. “Thank you.” She whispered into his skin. He gave her a small squeeze before releasing her.

  


“I better get back before they figure out I’m missing.” He turned to leave the way he had come. “Take good care of yourself princess. I fully intend on us meeting again.”

  


With a small smile he was gone. Clarke collapsed back onto the log and stared at the fire. It was just embers now. He was right, she was going to need more firewood.

\--

It had been a week since Clarke had left, a week since the massacre in the mountain – it had been a long week. With Abby and Kane still in medical, Clarke hiking in the woods somewhere, and Jaha off doing whatever crazy thing Jaha wanted to do they had decided that Bellamy was the temporary leader. So between everyone coming to him with their problems looking for quick solutions or guidance and the fact that all of his friends were avoiding him life in Camp Jaha kind of sucked.

  


Sure he liked being a leader, but he didn’t like doing it without Clarke. She had been the voice of sanity when it was just the 100. Bellamy could get them fired up but Clarke knew what to do. She always knew the right thing, even when it was the hard thing. She knew that the ring of fire was the only way out of the grounder attack. She knew that opening those doors was the only option they had. He didn’t want to lead without her.

  


After a particularly long meeting with the lead guards on what to do about patrols, prisoners, and grounders Bellamy was ready for the day to be over. He headed out of the main tent and started towards his small tent near the fence. He liked to be close to the trees, it was like he wanted to know that he could get away easy if the chance ever came. But also that if someone came back to camp he could hear them coming. He walked past Monty and Jasper who were deep in conversation. Jasper wasn’t speaking to him after losing Maya but he was glad to see that he had at least allowed Monty to. Forgiveness comes in steps. Between that, Raven and Wick recovering and inventing, Miller reuniting with his dad, and Octavia leading hunt after hunt with Lincoln, Bellamy was beginning to feel kind of alone.

  


When he reached his tent he looked back over the camp. It was still abuzz with activity but he was exhausted. He sighed and ducked into his tent. As he prepared for a night of restless sleep his radio crackled. “Yes?” He snapped into it. Some of the people in camp didn’t really understand how to use radios and Bellamy didn’t have the time or patience to teach them how to hold down a button.

  


This time though there was no response, just another crackle. “Alright, well I am going to sleep, save it until morning.” He slammed the radio down on the ground by his pillow and laid down. He fell asleep much faster than usual.

  


Instead of the nightmares he dreamt of Clarke. He was with her in the woods and she was telling him about her journey so far. All of the things she had seen, the two headed deers and more glowing butterflies. “They glow orange, not blue.” She had easily found shelter and was covering more and more ground each day.

  


“I’ve decided to head for Polis, the grounder capitol. Lexa may be there and we left things a little awkward.” Bellamy hung on her every word and marveled at her. She was practically glowing. Her blonde hair shone white in the moonlight and her eyes were lit up like stars. The most important thing though was that she was smiling. Genuinely smiling. It had been so long since Bellamy had seen that smile.

  


He wanted to ask her so many questions. Had she forgiven herself yet, when was she going to come home. What should he do about their people and all of their problems. How was he supposed to lead without her. He couldn’t bring himself to interrupt her, he couldn’t bring himself to take that smile away from her. Instead he just sat next to her and listened.

  


She was leaving now, the sun was rising and she had to get a move on. Bellamy wasn’t ready for her to leave. He wanted to reach out and grab her hand. He wanted them to just stay there together, just like that. Except that he knew it was a dream, that it wasn’t real – she wasn’t really there. “I miss you.” She whispered and she started to fade away. Bellamy wanted to scream it back but his voice was gone all he could do was watch and she slowly faded to nothing. Before he knew what to do she was gone. He was left facing the sunrise alone with her last words hanging in the air like fog. _May we meet again._

\--

**Author's Note:**

> Be gentle but tell me what you think. This is my first fic in a while (I took a bit of a break from writing because nothing really inspired me) but I'm excited about this one because of the rich world that was created. 
> 
> As a bisexual woman I am also excited to explore the attraction between Clarke and Lexa and well as what (I believe) exists between Bellamy and Clarke. 
> 
> Alrighty, I hope you like it, more to come. Promise.  
> -Mags.


End file.
